To Tim

Tim,

I never fully understood the demons you wrestled with. Even as children I could see the pain of the struggle. Terry is a good man and tried to be a good father to you, but I know that there was a hole in your heart that only your birth father could have filled. You never talked of this to me, but I could see it. Being a child I didn't know what to say. Having grown older our lives diverged.

But there was something else. Sometimes I think God is not perfect. Sometimes he messes up and puts more feelings and emotions in a person than that person should have to handle. Sometimes these people become great musicians or artists, but I think most of the time the burden is too great to bear.

Then again, maybe God didn't make a mistake. Maybe we were meant to learn from you. Looking back at our childhood I can see now how I was shy and careful. You were always the fearless outgoing one. Your intensity lit up the room. Sometimes we got into trouble, but mostly I learned from you how to be more brave, less fearful. You taught me to take chances. You helped me come out of my shell and to grow up faster. For this I thank you.

There are many memories I have of you. I remember shooting at songbirds with our BB guns in Grandma and Grandpa's yard. We didn't realize we were doing harm. We were just boys hunting. And then Grandpa came running out yelling at us and we ran. All day we hid in Deadhorse canyon. Just like they did in cowboy movies. Then darkness came and we had to go home. We knew we were in trouble and we were scared. Luckily we had loving mothers who protected us and deflected some of Grandpa's anger, but he still was mad as hell and let us know why we were wrong in doing what we did. That day I learned to value life, no matter how small. I also learned that Grandpa loved birds. At the time I thought it odd, but now I understand.

I remember that the first girl I ever kissed was on a double date that you set up for us. I had no game, but luckily you had enough for both of us. We watched Eddie Murphy's new movie “Raw” that night, made really silly jokes in the McDonald's drive through, and laughed our asses off. I don't remember the girl's name, but I do remember that she chewed spearmint gum the entire time we kissed. I had never had so much fun. It was liberating.

I remember climbing apple trees outside the house with you...playing football in the lot next door....sliding down the hill just outside...sleeping downstairs and sneaking out...building snow caves. Later came the fishing trips on the rivers and frozen lakes...biking back and forth from Onaway to Black Lake...seeing movies downtown...collecting cans so we could play video games...walking around in our Halloween pumpkin costume....playing poker on the floor...swimming at Ocqueoc Falls and Shoepac lake...you always seemed to get bloodsuckers stuck on you...we explored places that I never would have thought to explore on my own. I miss you.

One of my favorite authors wrote that “eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.”

Tell Grandpa, Grandma, uncle Charles, Christian, and Bear that we miss them too.

Sleep peacefully brother

-Andy